When Life Gives You Lemons.....

Last week was really tough. I still have lots of baby stuff around the house. A lot of my friends have said to put it all away but it is a reminder that we WILL have a little girl here.  I have not hidden it because it gives me hope that my dreams will come true.

We have thought about trying another round of in vitro but I don't know if I can handle it right away. It takes an emotional and physical toll on your body and mind. And, it is not guaranteed to work. There are many women who have to go through the process many times until she is pregnant.

We have thought about private adoption and have been told its $30-50,000. You can go all the way thru the pregnancy and the birth mom can decide to keep the baby and you will not get your money back.

We have considered foster-to-adopt. This is the best choice for us right now. We are going to go to an orientation meeting tonight to get more information. I am aware that not every little girl placed in our homes we will have the chance to adopt. One of my friends has been thru this process and ended up adopting two beautiful boys. She told me "Even though I might not have been able to keep every child, for the time there were here, I knew they were clean, fed and loved". How inspirational that is to me.

It seems like it doesn't matter which path you choose there is a risk. We could do ivf again and not get pregnant or we get pregnant and have a miscarriage, we could go thru private adoption and not get a baby, we could go thru foster care and have to give babies back. Every avenue can lead to heartbreak. At least with foster care we will have a baby here. And I know that baby will be clean, fed and loved!!!

Results are in...

The test results came back today. It was negative. I have been an emotional wreck all day. I know it will get better, God has a plan, it wasn't meant to be, something better will come, you just have to be patient.

It sucks and nothing can make me feel better today. Its not fair.

I have contacted Dr. Pablo to see about fertilizing the eggs we have frozen. More bad news... They used all of Niks sperm so he will have to go back for another operation to get more.

Since we had to stay an extra week last time we were there, we are now over our 90 days allowed per year in Ecuador. We will have to see if we can get an extension to be allowed back in the country. As it is now, we will have to wait 9 months before we can come back.

Now we are just going to have to pray that we are granted an extension so Nik can go and have his operation. Then we will have to fertilize my eggs and hope we have a healthy baby girl.

This has been the single worst thing I have ever had to go thru. I wouldn't wish it on any woman. We are not going to give up. We will keep trying until we succeed.

Tomorrow is the big day!

Tomorrow is the day when we find out if I am pregnant. I will go in tomorrow morning for the quantitive blood test. Its hard to say how I feel. I am nervous and anxious.

Having my own little girl is something that I have wanted for so long. I was the little girl that loved baby dolls, I am the woman who loves seeing little girls with their moms at nail salons and loves all things girl. I love getting my nails done and dressing up. I love accessories and shopping. Every time I am at the mall and see the little girls section, I long to be able to shop there for my own daughter one day. I am dying to have sweet little girl birthday parties and sleepovers with makeovers.... I was meant to have a little girl. I love being a mom to my son, Trey, but I ache for a baby girl. Having her would fill a missing space in my heart.

I know that God has a plan and that it is important to have faith. I know all of this, but I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for this moment. I am SO close. I can see the finish line. I feel like the timing has never been more perfect. A few years ago, Nik would have never agreed to us having another child. He is even excited. I have prayed for so many years for God to open his heart to us having another baby. I remember him reading about "gender selection" so many years ago and thought that was so amazing but not something that we would ever be able to do. When I was in the operating room and Dr. Pablo implanted my embryo, Ava, I cried as if I just heard her heartbeat.

As I sit here now writing all of this, I have tears streaming down my cheeks. I pray that God will give us positive news tomorrow and we will be one step closer to completing our family. Please remember me tomorrow and pray like you've never prayed before.

Waiting, waiting & more waiting!

There hasn't really been much to report over this past week. I have been reading everything online and taking home pregnancy tests. Dr. Pablo says that every test I take will come out negative until Monday. He is correct. I have taken 3 hpt and all have been negative.

I have had a few symptoms of pregnancy: sensitive breasts, twinges of cramping, excessive bathroom breaks, and bad taste in my mouth.

I am hoping that all these symptoms are due from a growing little girl & not side affects of all the medicine I am on!!

I will continue to take these hpt every day until Monday.  I have read online that lots of pregnant ladies had their hpt say negative even on the day they took the blood test. This gives me hope!! Its not over till the blood test says so!!!!

I just ask that all my friends & family continue to pray for us. There is nothing more important to us right now than this baby. I believe God will deliver her to us!

Feeling normal (almost)

There really haven't been any new symptoms over these last few days. I am still having the lower back pain but it comes & goes. According to my chart, today she attaches deeper into the uterine lining and begins implantation.

We got back home from Ecuador today. We were greeted at the airport by Mariel then went to lunch at my favorite: Cantina Laredo. When we got home, my girlfriends had the front porch decorated with balloons, a big sign (with lots of notes from everyone), red tulip flowers, and decorations!

 Then Stephanie brought over a homemade cake! Her cakes are the BEST! It was the best homecoming ever. I feel truly blessed to have these wonderful ladies in my life. 

All this waiting is getting the best of me. I want to take a pregnancy test so bad. I think I may cheat tomorrow and buy the early detection kind.?.? I wish I could peek in on Ava and make sure she's growing like she should be!! It sure would make my life so much easier. 

While walking through the airports today I was checking out every stroller strolling by. The moms probably thought I was stalking them. I kept trying to get close if it was a model I thought I liked, I was trying to scope out the brand name!!

You know how when you are looking to get a new car & you start seeing the same model EVERYWHERE. Thats how I feel with Ava. I am seeing all these cute babies everywhere and I keep checking them out! I'm looking at the outfits they have on, if they have any cute accessories and definitely their shoes! I saw the most adorable baby today with little black maryjane slippers. I am going to try to track those bad boys down online!! A definite must have.

IF I can muster up the courage to take the test. I will let you all know! It's like reading a book. you want to know the ending but know if you wait, it will be that much better. Unless you are Mariel, then you just wikipedia it all before you even read the book because you can't stand surprises!!! Love you Mariel!

How I'm feeling

Things have been going according to plan so far! I had slight cramping the day of & the following day after the transfer. From what I've read online it seems like this is normal because of everything you just put your uterus through.  I have had a little lower back pain that comes & goes today.

I've also been a little tired but that could be because I'm up late every night reading blogs, forums, articles & anything else I can about ivf and how I "should" be feeling! What I've come to understand is that pregnancy & menstrual cycles BOTH have the same symptoms. How lovely! There is no choice but to wait it out until the blood test.

Tomorrow Ava should be implanting herself. It's like a mind tourture. I want to know what's happening with her, then I try to see if what I'm feeling is a symptom!!! Plus, having been pregnant before, every little tinge feels like a baby kick & she doesn't even have legs or arms yet.

Ahhh the 2 week wait!

While I've been resting, I have been researching lots! I've found these following items I'm going to buy: crib, changing table, bassinet, baby bag, and stroller. I have purchased crib bedding & still need to find a dresser. I've found all this in between pregnancy, ivf transfer, and 2ww information.

What is happening with Ava now?

After the transfer Nik & I checked into a hotel and watched about 4 episodes of Sons of Anarchy. We are hooked to this crazy show! The next day we boarded an airplane to come back to Salinas where we will be over the next 4 days. I am not supposed to be on total bed rest (Thank goodness!) but do need to take it easy.

Its funny how so many things were forgotten that I am remembering about pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant with Trey, I was constantly reading about his development and what to expect during pregnancy. With Ava, it has been no different. I have been spending hours online making sure that I am doing everything right!!

I wish there was a magical way I could be assured that she is growing and developing the way she should be. I find myself rubbing the area of my belly where she is and praying (constantly) that she is doing just fine!

I found a chart from a fertility center website that lets me know whats going on with her over the next 2 weeks:

3-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One Feb 19	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two Feb 20	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three Feb 21	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four Feb 22	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five Feb 23	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six Feb 24	Implantation continues
Seven Feb 25	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight Feb 26	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine Feb 27	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten Feb 28	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven March 1	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

I have been told from Dr. Pablo that I need to have a blood test on March 3rd to make sure that we are pregnant. The period between the transfer and the blood test is known as the dreaded "2 Week Wait - 2WW". From everything I was reading online last night there is really no way to know if the symptoms I am feeling are from the monthly menstrual cycle or the beginning of a pregnancy. It is all so confusing! You go on one website and it says if you have this list of symptoms, you are pregnant or about to start your monthly cycle. I am going to TRY not to obsess over every little change in my body over the next 10 days. Then I will take an at-home pregnancy test on March 1st and the blood test on the 3rd, this will be the only true way to know if she implanted and is growing!