When Life Gives You Lemons.....

Last week was really tough. I still have lots of baby stuff around the house. A lot of my friends have said to put it all away but it is a reminder that we WILL have a little girl here.  I have not hidden it because it gives me hope that my dreams will come true.

We have thought about trying another round of in vitro but I don't know if I can handle it right away. It takes an emotional and physical toll on your body and mind. And, it is not guaranteed to work. There are many women who have to go through the process many times until she is pregnant.

We have thought about private adoption and have been told its $30-50,000. You can go all the way thru the pregnancy and the birth mom can decide to keep the baby and you will not get your money back.

We have considered foster-to-adopt. This is the best choice for us right now. We are going to go to an orientation meeting tonight to get more information. I am aware that not every little girl placed in our homes we will have the chance to adopt. One of my friends has been thru this process and ended up adopting two beautiful boys. She told me "Even though I might not have been able to keep every child, for the time there were here, I knew they were clean, fed and loved". How inspirational that is to me.

It seems like it doesn't matter which path you choose there is a risk. We could do ivf again and not get pregnant or we get pregnant and have a miscarriage, we could go thru private adoption and not get a baby, we could go thru foster care and have to give babies back. Every avenue can lead to heartbreak. At least with foster care we will have a baby here. And I know that baby will be clean, fed and loved!!!

Results are in...

The test results came back today. It was negative. I have been an emotional wreck all day. I know it will get better, God has a plan, it wasn't meant to be, something better will come, you just have to be patient.

It sucks and nothing can make me feel better today. Its not fair.

I have contacted Dr. Pablo to see about fertilizing the eggs we have frozen. More bad news... They used all of Niks sperm so he will have to go back for another operation to get more.

Since we had to stay an extra week last time we were there, we are now over our 90 days allowed per year in Ecuador. We will have to see if we can get an extension to be allowed back in the country. As it is now, we will have to wait 9 months before we can come back.

Now we are just going to have to pray that we are granted an extension so Nik can go and have his operation. Then we will have to fertilize my eggs and hope we have a healthy baby girl.

This has been the single worst thing I have ever had to go thru. I wouldn't wish it on any woman. We are not going to give up. We will keep trying until we succeed.

Tomorrow is the big day!

Tomorrow is the day when we find out if I am pregnant. I will go in tomorrow morning for the quantitive blood test. Its hard to say how I feel. I am nervous and anxious.

Having my own little girl is something that I have wanted for so long. I was the little girl that loved baby dolls, I am the woman who loves seeing little girls with their moms at nail salons and loves all things girl. I love getting my nails done and dressing up. I love accessories and shopping. Every time I am at the mall and see the little girls section, I long to be able to shop there for my own daughter one day. I am dying to have sweet little girl birthday parties and sleepovers with makeovers.... I was meant to have a little girl. I love being a mom to my son, Trey, but I ache for a baby girl. Having her would fill a missing space in my heart.

I know that God has a plan and that it is important to have faith. I know all of this, but I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for this moment. I am SO close. I can see the finish line. I feel like the timing has never been more perfect. A few years ago, Nik would have never agreed to us having another child. He is even excited. I have prayed for so many years for God to open his heart to us having another baby. I remember him reading about "gender selection" so many years ago and thought that was so amazing but not something that we would ever be able to do. When I was in the operating room and Dr. Pablo implanted my embryo, Ava, I cried as if I just heard her heartbeat.

As I sit here now writing all of this, I have tears streaming down my cheeks. I pray that God will give us positive news tomorrow and we will be one step closer to completing our family. Please remember me tomorrow and pray like you've never prayed before.